my crazy life.....

i know, i know, mom, i haven't spent nearly enough time blogging lately. and yes, i do feel the shame of it!

life has been more than a little crazy lately.

this time of the year always seems to feel that way.

the good news is that i am done shopping. mostly. you never are really done....right?

my goal was to be finished early this year. my hope is that i will have time to focus on Jesus and His birth.

i wish the craziness was all about the holiday. but, it's more than that. we have 3 school concerts left to attend. one small group party, one christmas tea, one youth group fundraiser, one youth group girl's party. we have to move our first born back home, transport an upright bass back and forth from school, load and haul firewood. then there is always the wrapping, and baking, and traveling.

all i want is to sit back with a cup of chai and stare at the tree set up in the corner of our family room. i want to turn off all the house lights, put on a worship cd and rest. both my mind and body. to forget about the craziness.

relax.

worship.

remember.

pray.

i need to re-find my center. i think it's going to take some quiet time, alone, to find it again. it's lost. somewhere in the busyness i have misplaced it. to survive the waiting i will need to recover it. quickly!

i talked with a dear friend for a while after church today. she is waiting and has been for almost 7 months. she exudes peace. she may not think so, especially since she has been asking for prayer for peace. from all outward appearances she has this one mastered. but, i know her heart and how desperately she wants her phone to ring. to see a photo. to plan a trip. to buy booties, and diapers, and onesies. to think about a little fro baby being her own sweet child.

so, as i wait i will pray for peace for her. contentment for myself. salvation for a hurting world. healing for an ailing friend. hope for a little girl in peru.

officially

pregnant.

that is with a bouncing, baby dossier.

we mailed it about a week ago. the whole thing was notarized and sent on to be apostilled today. then it is sent to the peruvian consulate in atlanta to be authenticated. then on to peru.

it's exciting and nerve wracking all rolled together.

people ask "what is your time frame"...."when will you head to peru"...."how long will it take before you get to bring home your little girl"?

i don't have any answers.

that's the hard part.

i am told that it takes about 10 weeks to have the dossier translated and filed in peru. i am thinking that it will be there in a week. 10 weeks ends on 2-15-10. but...it could take longer, or shorter.

right now i'm trying to stay focused on christmas. worshipping and adoring a new born savior. thinking about hope and peace and joy and love. wrapping presents, keeping secrets, baking sweet treats. but, i feel like someone is missing. like i should be buying barbies, and board games, and books, and fuzzy jammies. that there are not enough stockings hanging by the fireplace. not enough places set at the table. that i still need to buy a festive dress and shiny shoes.

i'm praying for her. that someone is loving her this christmas. that she is learning about her savior. that she has a full tummy, a warm blanket, a new toy. hoping for a family, dreaming of siblings, hungry for love.

thankful

just a few things i am thankful for:

1. family - the one i am raising, the one i adopted through marriage and the one that i grew up with.

2. friends - people that understand me, believe in me, pray for me and encourage me.

3. my husband - my best friend, my support, my sharer of dreams, who sees me at my worst and loves me the best.

4. health - happiness that our family is vibrant and strong.

5. laughter - the irresistible sound of giggling together at the silliest things.

6. my savior - he that is in me is greater than he that is in the world. for God so loved the world...

7. redemption - beauty from the ashes of my past. joy for today. hope for tomorrow.

8. worship - a chance to say 'thank you' in song for what he has done for and in me.

9. work - not only a chance to bring home a paycheck in a difficult economy, but also the ability to accomplish much in my home.

10. sisters - for the beautiful women that i love and the daughters i adore.

11. parents - who first taught me to love, then set me free.

12. hope - the ability to dream about the future and it's joy.

13. love - giving of myself unconditionally to a hurting world.

that's my baker's dozen of things i am thankful for.


have a happy thanks giving

in the mail

it is officially sent.

completed.

in someone else's hands.

our dossier. months and months or hard work. sent overnight to our agency.

finally.

hopefully it will be looked at soon. hopefully we will have understood the directions and put it together correctly. hopefully. then it is taken to be notarized. apostilled. authenticated. then sent to peru.

one step closer.

what next? we wait and wait and wait and wait. for about 3 months. then we are in the referral stage, that is if everything goes smoothly.

1 month earlier than i thought we would be completed. thanks to immigration being quick. thank you homeland security!

i spend a lot of my time talking to my sisters lately. they are my best friends. we have a lot to talk about. my younger sis is fun and spunky and cute and sassy. did i mention that she's a lot of fun? well, she called to tell me that they were going through all of her youngest daughter's toys. little missy decided to set aside some of her toys for her new cousin. i think that is pretty sweet, to intentionally help someone she has never met. what an awesome thing to teach a child, that there are others that have less than you. that you have something you can give, a way to help, a reason to be involved.
it is sweet to see my family get involved. all our little one's bedding and room decorations have come from my sisters. they are so open and willing to share. you see we have already given away all of our little girl stuff. our playroom is pretty empty. well, that is not for long. when we come home from nebraska after thanksgiving, the play room will be a happy place for a little girl to play. hopefully, before very long we will have a little girl to play in it.

oh brother!

by reading my past posts, you might not even realize that i have boys.

two of them.

twins.

identical.

they are a lot of fun.

in a lot of ways boys are much easier than girls. less emotion. fewer shrill screams. not nearly the amount of clothes, shoes, accessories. but they are loud. messy. physical.

i love it when they start to talk to me. they are interested in things i have never even though about. don't get me wrong, i can talk about wolverine for hours if they will open up and share. i have massive amounts of knowledge about star wars, most super heroes and villains, electric guitars, lord of the rings, legos......

to say that i was surprised that i would have twins, would be a huge understatement. in fact when i found out, i had a 4 year old and a 2 year old. i had no idea how on earth i would ever take care of them all. somehow they have all survived. i am sure there were times they wondered too! they are teenagers now. growing in their love for each other, looking for ways to serve their world and savior. they amaze me with their insight. they are gifted in music, talented in running.

when they were little they spoke in twin language. i did not, i only spoke english and a tiny bit of spanish. eventually they learned english with the help of a wonderful pre-school program and some really special ladies. recently they told me they still understand twin language, they just can't speak it anymore. i love that. that they had their own language. unique. private.

when we had our home visit for our homestudy, our social worker told us that she was going to recommend that we have 1 to 2 girls ages 4 to 9, or twins. my jaw dropped. twins? she told me that i had already done it once, how hard could it be? it's true, but still, that is an overwhelming thought.

the thought of adopting twins actually thrills my boys. they enjoy their special bond and think another set of twins would be the coolest thing ever! I'm not so sure, but if that is what God has in mind.....we will embrace it.

sisters

God knew what he was doing when he made sisters.

these girls are my best friends.

nurture is a beautiful thing. we get each other.

it must be from years and years of tea parties, holly hobbie dolls, barbies on the living room floor, swinging in the back yard, dressing up the dog in doll clothes. sweet shared memories.

being the oldest, i remember each time my mom brought one home from the hospital. i remember holding her for the first time as God knit her into my heart. i remember helping her take her first steps, feeding her a bottle, rocking her.

practice for mommy-hood.

i think our bond is special, unique. we often call even before we know there is a need. knowing the right words to say. lending a listening ear, sisterly advice, or simply laughing along with life's surprises.

were my sisters surprised when i told them that i intended to adopt, when my kids were almost grown? absolutely not. they already knew my heart. my love for their children. they joy i have had watching mine grow. was i surprised when my youngest sister also said she wanted to adopt? no! i understood completely.

while i carried my second daughter i was sure that she was a boy. i went as far as not bringing girl clothes to the hospital. but God knew better, he knew my eldest needed a sister. someone to play with, to dream with, someone who would completely understand her. to say these girls are close would be a huge understatement.

i prayed that they would love each other, carry one another's burdens, share each others joys. that is what they do....watching them gives me unspeakable joy.

knowing that they both are looking forward to having a little sister. fills my heart to overflowing. as i sit and ponder their excitement over her homecoming, causes tears to flow down my cheeks. they ask sweet questions that i cannot answer. they long to spoil her, play with her, teach her about barbies, american girl dolls, dress-up clothes. they want to put her in party dresses, soccer shin guards, halloween costumes. they want to teach her to throw a ball, play a violin, catch snowflakes on her tongue.

just be a sister.

when God was first putting adoption on my heart, i had a reoccurring dream. it was a beautiful day, the sun was shining. i would see my girls walking away from me across a field. hand in hand with a little girl between them. she had dark hair to their blond, and olive skin to their fair. every once in a while she would jump and they would swing her into the air. right before i would awake, she would look up at them and laugh, and they would look down and laugh with her.

sisters. beautiful. joy.

the goal

i love watching little kids play soccer.

last year i had the chance to watch my niece play. she was the cute one, with no front teeth and a cheesy grin. her coach had taught the team some fancy footwork. she made sure he was watching before she did her scissor kick.

i love the way they all run together in a giant clump.

i call it herd ball.

when my kids were young and played they also ran with the pack and kicked whether the ball was there or not. it really didn't matter how much we practiced, yelled, cheered, or bribed. they still all ran in mass.

they lost sight of the goal. they focused on the ball; zigging and zagging across the field. they saw the other kids and how much better they ran and kicked. but in the end they forgot to score.

that's been me this week. i've gotten caught up in the craziness of now. i've lost sight of the goal.

you see we are almost finished with our dossier. if we hadn't hit a snag today, i would have mailed it already. to be honest.....i hurt right now. i'm angry and frustrated.

we have to redo our medical forms. all of our tests. all of our blood work. another exam. spend more money that insurance will not cover.

we have already done this once, in may when we started the home study process. now too much time has elapsed.

my frustration is not that we have to do it again. i can deal with that. but it bothers me that we have not been told outright what we need to do. it feels like the rules have changed in the middle of the game.

so i feel like a little kid, kicking wildly at a ball. i'm so focused on the ball, that i've forgotten that there is a goal.

standing in the white net in a beautiful brown eyed girl. she has missing front teeth. dark hair in lopsided pig tails. she's wearing a dirty shirt and had a hungry look in her eyes. she is lonely and scared. she wants a family but dares not hope that one will want her.

"do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? run in such a way as to get the prize." 1 corinthians 9:24

my eyes are back on the goal.

i am running.